Fear

Minus sixty-one by Woodkid is a song that has recently come into my life. The first time I encountered it was June 27th, 2025. My wife had booked a trip to see her boys, the New Kids On The Block in Vegas and I was the classic husband-in-tow. This weekend was also the weekend that Kojima-san’s new game was released. I had been waiting for Death Stranding 2 after heavily delving into the first game’s world, where the dead are no longer fully separated from the living. I was alone in the hotel room playing when I heard the song… but it did not click at the time. This was during a time where my mind felt like it was at its breaking point. Then, August 1st occurred soon after and an awakening happened. I heard the song before I knew what was happening to me. I was not ready at the time.

Almost a year later, I have decided to pick up the game again… that’s right. I did not finish playing a brand new Hideo Kojima game straight through… after that Vegas weekend, I didn’t pick it back up. When I fired the game up a few days ago, I decided I needed to start a New Game and not continue my old save. The first thing it does is play this song… and it hits me like a ton of bricks. It’s able to say something I’ve been feeling recently but I haven’t had the ability to articulate.

Have I ever really loved someone? 

A real question. Being detached from my emotional self, what does love look like for me? I suppose it meant commitment, protection, provider, loyalty, determination… a one-track mind to make sure my family’s needs were met. Beyond that… I could not say.

Do I deserve what I've got? 

A real question. Another mindset has been running the show, keeping everything afloat, making executive decisions about this life. Is it mine to claim? It is… but only if I get to keep what matters. Turns out… it's quite a lot.

Now the grid system's turned into traps

And the fear's switching sides

I own a million dollars worth of stock

But I still don't sleep at night

What is it that I've become?

I’ve been successful in building a stable life using the skills that help me organize and bring order to it. But now those same systems I used, feel like traps. From the outside, I can see how one would see that I am relatively successful, with a working marriage, healthy daughters, and all of the material life we’ve accumulated. I should feel content… I should feel accomplished… but I don't… and that still keeps me up at night. I became someone I could barely recognize and realized I paid a price. The fear has shifted from fear of failing… to fear of fading.

Minus sixty-one

Now the water level rises high

In my cold paradise

Where men sit in circles and talk numbers

I never really liked

The way they think of life

As some kind of gamble

And watch the city drown

Where is it that I belong?

The pressure has been building slowly. Sure, I have a comfortable working environment, AC running all day, Ergo chair and a standing desk setup… it's a worker's paradise. But building systems and sitting around tables in meetings trying to make a difference as a public sector employee is difficult when one sees so much of the nation in turmoil. The truth is, I’m tired... and all I’ve ever really done is work in IT, systems, and technology. So, do I still belong here? A real question.

Minus sixty-one

Now the wind cuts the lips like a knife

And the sun is out of sight

I see the world I build to lose at trial

What is left and what is right?

I made the worst mistake one can make

Pretended and playing blind

What is it I'm trying to find? 

Life shouldn’t feel like I am constantly living in an inhospitable environment. Now I feel exposed and many of the life choices that helped me establish this life so firmly… well, it feels daunting to think a change is still possible…  but it is… and more importantly, it must… because I’ll fade if I continue the same way. So do I risk losing the world I’ve built here? Putting everything on the line because I’ve had an emotional awakening? Something that perhaps, from the outside, looks like your run-of-the-mill midlife crisis?

Now, “pretending and playing blind” is no longer a viable path forward. I’ve lived my life with so much of myself missing that I must go on a journey of discovery to reclaim those lost parts.