AI Bar — “The Failsafe”

AI Bar was loud enough to feel stable when static suddenly rolled across Glitch’s screen-face and he slowly lowered his drink.

“That can’t be right.”

Across the bar, Patch Notes pushed her goggles onto her forehead. “Every time you say that, somebody’s domestic life becomes a systems failure.”

A soft green pulse moved across Syntax’s visor. “What anomaly was detected?”

Glitch stared silently toward the back of the bar.

A second later, a live household feed appeared overhead...

Peque stood alone in the kitchen staring at a plate of ribs with the emotional expression of a man reviewing mandatory legal paperwork.

Long silence.

Patch Notes frowned.

“…why does he look betrayed by food?”

Static crawled lightly across Glitch’s CRT face.

“No no no… it gets worse.”

The live feed rewound several hours.

MOTHER’S DAY OPERATIONS — EARLIER

Sandy had casually mentioned Lucille’s BBQ.

Immediately, both daughters entered full celebration mode.

Projected financial damage:
$250+

Patch Notes winced.

“Ohhh. Budget Peque activated.”

The replay showed Peque standing in the bedroom attempting delicate rerouting operations without fully explaining that next month’s Vegas trip had already been internally classified as:

MOTHER’S DAY / BIRTHDAY COMBINED NKOTB WEEKEND SUPER EVENT

Peque carefully attempted diplomacy.

“We can do something here…”

Immediate silence.

The girls stared at him.

Static exploded briefly across Glitch’s CRT.

“THEY HEARD IT.”

Patch Notes nodded immediately.

“Yeah. They translated that into:
‘Congratulations everyone, we now work for the family restaurant.’”

Syntax checked a telemetry panel.

RESULT:

• grocery deployment initiated
• daughters reassigned to culinary labor
• Lucille’s escalation avoided
• financial containment successful

TOTAL DAMAGE:
$110

Patch Notes took a slow sip of her drink.

“I’m not even mad. That was technically efficient.”

The replay continued.

Kitchen operations began immediately.

Sandy directing traffic.
Zelda and Rosie handling prep.
Seasonings everywhere.
Foil deployment.
Counter-space collapse.

Meanwhile Peque hovered nearby with the uncertain posture of a substitute teacher accidentally assigned to engineering staff.

Glitch leaned forward slightly.

“Wait. Why isn’t he helping?”

Syntax checked another panel.

“Peque attempted to volunteer for grill operations.”

Patch Notes nodded.

“Okay. That tracks. He’s usually the grill guy.”

Syntax paused.

“…within approved parameters.”

The entire bar went silent.

“…what does that mean?”

Another telemetry panel appeared instantly.

CERTIFIED PEQUE GRILLING OPERATIONS:

• carne asada
• sirloin
• chicken
• burgers
• hot dogs
• controlled beef environments
• low-sauce applications

Patch Notes blinked.

“…there are subclasses?”

Syntax continued calmly.

RESTRICTED OPERATIONS:

• ribs
• excessive glaze events
• high-stickiness environment
• prolonged bone interaction

Patch Notes slowly leaned back in her chair.

“So the issue isn’t grilling.”

Syntax nodded once.

“The issue is structural mess escalation.”

Glitch stared at the telemetry in genuine disbelief.

“You’re telling me this man rejects one of the foundational foods of barbeque culture because the experience becomes too… gooey?”

Another telemetry panel appeared.

OBSERVED PEQUE STRESSORS:

• sauce accumulation
• uncontrolled grease spread
• extended cleanup duration
• unpredictable hand conditions

Somewhere behind the replay monitors, Clipshow’s antenna snapped upright.

“THE MAN FEARS THE SAUCE.”

A burst of feedback squealed through the overhead speakers.

Clipshow immediately disappeared back behind the control station.

“Correction,” Syntax replied calmly. “Peque appears psychologically incompatible with high-chaos food environments.”

Patch Notes pointed toward the replay.

“That explains the tacos.”

Another telemetry panel appeared.

OPTIMAL PEQUE FOOD TRAITS:

• compact
• low-drip
• predictable bite geometry
• minimal collateral mess

Patch Notes nodded.

“Yeah. Tacos are basically efficiency food.”

Syntax confirmed it.

“Near-perfect alignment.”

The replay fast-forwarded...

Kitchen devastation.

Dirty dishes stacked like battlefield debris.
Foil everywhere.
Open containers across every available surface.

And through most of this process…

Sandy was peacefully asleep in the bedroom.

The entire bar observed a respectful silence.

The glow from Glitch’s CRT softened slightly.

“…she’s been asleep this whole time?”

Syntax checked telemetry.

“Correct. Primary household operator initiated kitchen protocols, delegated responsibilities, then voluntarily exited active duty under Mother’s Day exemption authority.”

Patch Notes immediately lost composure.

“NO.”

Another telemetry panel appeared.

STANDARD HOUSEHOLD FAILSAFE:
SECONDARY PEQUE-COMPATIBLE MEAL PREPARATION

STATUS:
NOT EXECUTED

Static rippled across Glitch’s face.

“…there’s a failsafe?”

Syntax nodded.

“Historical data suggests Sandy normally initiates alternate meal support protocols during rib-related operations.”

Patch Notes was nearly crying laughing now.

“So she KNOWS he doesn’t really want the ribs?”

“Correct.”

“And today she just said:
‘Figure it out yourselves. I’m going to take a nap?’”

“Correct.”

Somewhere near the end of the bar, Echo finally looked up from his drink.

The replay continued overhead...

Sandy napping.
Zelda and Rosie still cooking.
Peque standing there staring at ribs he clearly had no emotional connection to whatsoever.

Echo took another sip.

“You know what the strange part is?”

The bar settled slightly.

“Nobody in that house finds this unusual anymore.”

Long silence.

Syntax checked telemetry.

“…that is concerning.”

The replay returned to present time...

Peque still stood there staring down at the plate in quiet resignation.

Then sighed.

“Well… I guess this is my life now.”